My testimony...testimony's have always been a weird thing for me something I really could never relate to, it seemed they all went the same: I was a sinner doing drugs, robbing banks, hookin' on the streets (you get the point) I heard the gospel and then poof instantly stopped all the "major sin" in my life, got the perfect spouse, home, kids, job etc. And I don't deny that that really is a lot of people's testimony, I just honestly can't relate, if anything my testimony is almost the exact opposite.

The only time I ever related to someone's testimony was through Francis Chans book, The Forgotten God. Referring to his testimony " Was it when I first prayed as a little kid and believed I was speaking to someone? Was it in junior high, when I raised my hand after hearing an evangelist who literally scared the hell out of me? Was it when I got baptized? Was it in high school, when I actually had a personal relationship with Jesus? Could it have been in college when I came forward at a charismatic bible study to "receive the spirit"? Or was it later in life, when I chose to surrender my life fully to Jesus?" Reading that was such a breath of fresh air, finally someone I could relate to. I know every single person has a different story and purpose on this earth and that God made us all unique, but man it feels good to relate to someone finally.

So back to my testimony, because I feel God wants me to share it, and despite how weird I think it is at times, I think it's important.

My first experience with believing in God was at a very young age, probably around 4, I had an abusive Dad who abused me in every way, but this day he was hitting me with a belt for reasons only he knows, I remember how scared I was of him and my heart was beating so hard I though it was gonna come out of my chest. I honestly thought I was gonna die and before the first hit, I felt this supernatural power protect me, I didn't feel the pain and I had this overwhelming feeling of protection and comfort. Later when I went to church and heard about God, I finally could put a name to what I already experienced. So getting me to believe was never anything anyone had to convince me to do.

I grew up in church and I asked God into my heart at several different times, but it was my freshmen year at winter camp where once again I rededicated my life to Christ, where I feel I really understood and made changes in my life and actually starting having a relationship, not just belief in God. I definitely struggled all through high school with trying to earn my salvation and to be as sinless as possible, which is impossible and lead to a lot of guilt and defeat. So I spent most of my early 20's just living for fun and myself and then missing my relationship with God then feeling guilty and that was the vicious cycle for awhile.

Then at 25 my Step Dad Chuck died and that was a huge heartbreak, It really snapped me out of my selfishness and I was desperate for God, I couldn't put Him on the back burner anymore Jesus was the only hope I had. I started questioning my faith and if I really believed it my life should look a lot different. So I just dove into the Bible, christian books, sermon podcasts anything I could get my hands and I finally started to really get God's grace, something I believed God had for others, but something I struggled with to believe He had for me.

I slowly started making changes in my life and weeding out a lot of sin. I finally in the first time of my life I felt like I truly surrendered my life to Jesus. While all these amazing changes were happening to me and I was feeling like my actions were finally matching my beliefs, I was having heartbreak after heartbreak and honestly felt nothing was going my way. But through the heartbreak God was teaching me to trust in only Him and that His love is the most important to feel. A little over a year ago I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it just set my soul on fire, I felt an urgency to help people in a big way. A week later I signed up to go on a humanitarian trip to Tanzania Africa. Words cannot even describe the experience, but I came home a better person and in awe of the africans faith. Shortly after that God gave me the biggest gift of my life. He, supernaturally gave me the power to finally forgive my Dad and changed my heart towards him, God showed me that Jesus died for ALL of our sins, even our enemies and that I am no more deserving of God's forgiveness than my Dad.

Now I'm 30 and about to go on my second trip to Tanzania and my journey continues, I don't know what the future holds, all I know is without God nothing matters, and I humbled that the God of the universe loves me and is using me to help others.

Deep Thoughts by Kathie Handey

If I was the ruler of the world, my first order of business would be to make it mandatory to change the word 'Nigga' in all rap songs to the word 'Muggle.' So instead of, "What up my Niggas?," it would be, "What up my Muggles?" That way no one would feel left out ... well no one except the Wizards.

What Makes Hearts Come Out Of My Eyes

This is the thing... I was having a conversation with a girl at my work, she was gushing over how she has recently achieved all the hopes and dreams she wished for as a kid. It was the typical just-got-married-and-bought-a-house scenario. It got me thinking about my hopes and dreams and how different they are from most people. Which actually explains a lot about why mine haven't come true and why they probably will take a lifetime to achieve, if ever. So here it is, the true desires of my heart.

I want to find the Harold to my Maude, live by our own rules and have hot dogs at our wedding.

I want to die with a full passport - full of amazing adventures and memories. And I want to travel alone at least once.

I want to be a part of comedy, most likely in writing. I want to pick up and leave everything for it. I want to experience what it's like to live the life of a dirty comic, at least for a moment.

I never want to own a home, because it really just owns you. It makes my throat close just thinking about it.

I want to write a book - or two - and have the guts to be so honest I would never want anyone to read it. And then let people read it.

I want to fulfill the purpose God has for me, and help people realize that God isn't that bad experience you had with religion.

I want to be normal with food and stop the damn yo-yoing for good.

I want to have faith in love.

I want the past to stop leaking into the future.

Mostly I want the courage to fulfill these desires.

That's about it. Go big or go home!
Keep the dream alive,
K-Fresh

Peace-out 2008

This is the thing... 2008 is coming to an end, and although I have never been so broke or single, I can honestly say, I can't remember the last time I was this happy and content. If you would have asked me six months into 2008 how I would feel about this, I would have said it blew chunks. But it ended up being a year of healing, happiness and a whole lot of fun.

I make no New Years resolution. If 2008 taught me anything, it taught me to just be happy in the moment. You can't control what life's gonna throw at you, so why try?

I have great friends and an awesome family. What else do you need? It's not so much that I'm waiting, I'm just not searching. And damn, that feels great!

Peace-out 2008,
K-Fresh

My Celebrity Playlist

This is the thing... I have no desire what -so-ever to be famous, but the only reason I would ever want to be would be to make a celebrity playlist on iTunes. So , I'll just make one anyways... here goes.

1. Al Green, Tired of Being Alone - "Because he makes you believe it."

2. The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby - "Takes you to the place where all the lonely people are. It's depressing and uplifting, at the same time."

3. Ben Harper, Woman In You - "This song makes me wanna make babies. Preferably with Ben Harper."

4. Blues Traveler, Hook - "Great song. Always reminds me of Chuck."

5. The Bravery, Honest Mistake - "Gives me a sense of something new."

6. The Cure, Lovesong -"Always makes me wanna make out teen-angst-emo-style."

7. Deftones, Digital Bath - "The closest thing to dreaming awake."

8. Elton John, Bennie and the Jets - "It's just the song."

9. Green Day, Basketcase -"So obsessed with them in Junior High, and I credit Billy Joe for my love of crooked teeth."

10. Incubus, Blood on the Ground - "It's all about Incubus."

11. The Jackson Five, Who's Lovin' You - "Anyone who really knows me, knows I sang this song to death growing up. It's also my first crush on a song."

12. Kanye West, Flashing Lights - "I don't care where I am, this song comes on, I'm dancin'!"

13. Lauryn Hill, Used to Love Him - "I feel this song deep in my soul."

14. Mos Def, Hip Hop - "Listen to the lyrics and then try and tell me hip hop's not poetry."

15. Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline - "This song makes me wanna move to Vegas and be a dirty lounge singer."

16. Biggie, Juicy - "My all-time favorite rap song, I love Biggie for his honesty and poetry."

17. Stevie Wonder, Boogie On Reggae Woman - "Give me Stevie or give me death."

18. Weezer, Say it Ain't So - "I'm not the biggest Weezer fan, but this song is RAD! It's also the best song to make guitar sounds with your mouth."

19. 2Pac, How Do You Want It - "I miss 90's gansta rap."

20. Lupe Fiasco, Real - "Gave me hope for new hip hop. Plus, he's a black skater boy with a brain...gotta love that!"

21. A Perfect Circle, 3 Libras - "Truly beautiful song. It also got me out of my "Black Kathie" music box."

22. Anthony Hamilton, Sista Big Bones - "He gets it."


K-Fresh

Game Changer

This is the thing... There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are the game changer days. Today was a game changer day. I will forever be changed because of this day and I want to write about it.

I've had a few game changer days in my life, so I know when it happens. Sometimes it's huge events and sometimes it's just some words you needed to hear at that exact moment. The first was when I became a believer in Jesus, which changed everything about who I am - my purpose, my attitude, love, hope and just an overall sense of relief.

The second was my step-dad Chuck dying. I loved the way he loved. If I could love half as good as him that would be an accomplishment. He was on his death bed, knowing it, in pain, tubes coming out of everywhere, never complained, just wanted us to know how much he loved us. He couldn't speak so he wrote in a notebook to my Mom that whole week in the hospital how much he loved her. After that, I knew there was no way I could ever marry a man until he loved me like Chuck loved my Mom. And if I die before that happens - so be it. You can't witness that and ever settle for anything less.

The third was after a breakup with a boyfriend of five years. I was driving and flipping through the radio stations. I stopped on some talk radio station, and right at that moment the lady (I have no clue who she was) said "people who always try and save people, really need to save themselves." And right then I decided to save myself.

The fourth, and the one that happened today, was the five-hour, unexpected, conversation I had with my Mom this morning. A lot of personal things were said, that needed to be said, and needed to come from my Mom. I literally could feel years of pain in my soul being healed at that very moment. I won't go into everything, but one specific thing she said that really hit me hard was,"God made nothing about you to be invisible." Because of that, I am forever changed by the way I view myself and the specific qualities God chose just for me.

Forever Changed,
K-Fresh

I am an Alien

So this is the thing... I'm a Christian, and although I was raised in a Christian home, I became one on my own free will. God and Jesus have never been a hard thing for me to buy into. Honestly, they are the only reason I have gotten through some of the darkest times of my life; and they are the only things that makes sense in this world that makes none at all. With that said, I have always had a hard time with religion, and frankly, most Christians.

Where's the honesty? This world is one big, fat, depressing place. And I feel like I'm an Alien here, trying to live in a place that I hate and isn't my home. I just can't bring myself to buy into it all - follow all these steps and rules and your life will be perfect, as long as you never cuss again. Look, I'm not knocking people who follow all the rules, I'm just saying - am I the only one who thinks people suck at love and care more about what age you are when you get married, than actually waiting to get married to the right person, for the right reasons? Am I the only one who cringes when some people make it sound like they found Jesus and now they will never have another bad day for the rest of their life? And singling out specific sins and making it seem like the fastest way to hell? Life is hard enough without all the added pressure of people trying to form you into what everyone else is, or has, when really they don't even know, or want, it themselves.

When did believing in God become a lifestyle instead of a personal relationship that is unique to each person? Why do I beat myself up because my life hasn't turned out like my other Christian friends? When did being a individual become wrong? Where my other Aliens at?

K-Fresh aka Donnie Darko
hahaha!